69 things Gronk should do in retirement

Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement Sunday, and, honestly, he’s living the dream. Dude had to work nine years, made enough money for 10 lifetimes and now he’ll get to do whatever he wants, all at age 29.

There’s plenty of examples of sites that say changing careers at 30 is a good idea — so to that end I want to help Gronk plan for the next 35 years of his working partying life with some helpful tips on what I think he’d be good at.

69 things Gronk should do in retirement.

  1. Volunteer and help people.
  2. Sit on a beach and drink for 20 years.
  3. Join WWE as an on-again, off-again star and partner with his friend Mojo Rawley.
  4. Become a park ranger.
  5. Get deep into POGs and become a world champion in that.
  6. Star in a travel show titled Gronkin’ Around.
  7. Build a log cabin with his bare hands and tell people for the next decade about how he built a log cabin with his bare hands.
  8. Ice cream for breakfast?
  9. Go back to school and become a surgeon, just to record people’s reactions when they find out they’re being operated on by Gronk.
  10. Become the next Master Chef.
  11. Run a small, but successful wiki explain the Peppa Pig multiverse.
  12. Start a supplement company, but the supplements are just booze.
  13. Wrestle a dolphin.
  14. Try to find Bigfoot.
  15. Launch into space with the help of Elon Musk.
  16. Try to trademark the number 69 and viciously litigate anyone who says “nice.”
  17. Run for president … of Norway.
  18. Become a male model.
  19. Organize a music festival in the Bahamas.
  20. Run across America.
  21. Run around in circles a whole bunch.
  22. Run to Circle K and buy all the Gronk energy drinks.
  23. Guest star on every daytime soap opera.
  24. Become a dog handler.
  25. Make the world’s largest omelette.
  26. Run a Ponzi scheme.
  27. Plead ignorance when he gets arrested for running a Ponzi scheme.
  28. Get a presidential pardon for his Ponzi scheme.
  29. Run another Ponzi scheme.
  30. Write a book detailing his time running Ponzi schemes.
  31. Limbo.
  32. Form a company that makes robots and beat those nerds at their own game.
  33. Hang around Bill Belichick’s house and burst though the door at inopportune times like Urkel.
  34. Start a chain of burger restaurants with his brothers called “Gronkburgers.” All the burgers are made out of butt meat.
  35. Write a children’s novel.
  36. Become the world’s oldest esports star.
  37. Become the world’s youngest cribbage star.
  38. Raise a lost whale in captivity then burst into tears when it’s finally time to free it.
  39. Haunt Tom Brady’s house.
  40. Roll around in the hay. Literally. Just Gronk, an old barn and a whole bunch of hay.
  41. Become a male stripper.
  42. Join the XFL.
  43. Return to the NFL to help a team in need.
  44. Manage a Dunkin’.
  45. Open a chocolate factory a live a child-like Willy Wonka-esque life.
  46. Become a recluse and grow a massive beard of bees.
  47. Learn what was actually eating Gilbert Grape.
  48. Play though every Kingdom Hearts game.
  49. Start his own podcast version of Love Line.
  50. Join the Coalition for the Liberation of Itinerant Tree Dwellers.
  51. Adopt 101 Dalmatians.
  52. Start his own comic about a lazy orange cat who hates Mondays and loves vodka, Gronkfield.
  53. Find D.B. Cooper’s treasure.
  54. Live a year in Antarctica.
  55. Get trapped in his garage by fallen newspapers. Then see how many times he can bounce a ball in a day and try to break that record.
  56. Live at Disney World.
  57. Get a guest role in the remake of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
  58. Steal the Declaration of Independence.
  59. Start a raiding guild in World of Warcraft.
  60. Successfully lobby to get “tight end” added as an official, legal name title.
  61. Make a large hadron collider in his back yard and collapse the universe.
  62. Run a banana stand.
  63. Go on Dancing With The Stars.
  64. Settle down in the suburbs.
  65. Become best friends with a helper monkey named Stewart.
  66. Live in an igloo for a little while.
  67. Get into cryptotaxidermy (SORRY).
  68. Find the lost city of Atlantis, then realize he just ended up at Atlantis, the resort in the Bahamas.
  69. Just do something really nice.


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